I have a problem here. First of all, I don't really have a single favourite film. I like too many, and can't even begin to categorise them.
So here's a bunch of my favourite films; The Lord of the Rings triology, the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy, the Underworld trilogy, The Matrix, Blackhawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Enemy at the Gates, Hero, How to Tame Your Dragon, Flushed Away, Evil Dead 2 (still haven't seen #3), Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Starship Troopers, Aliens... and there's probably more....
Now. That's not a very interesting blogpost. So I thought I'd take one of the films I like rather a lot, and take you all on a very special journey through the film, with me capturing important moments, and adding a running commentary, in the style of THE GODDAMN BUGS WHACKED US JOHNNY. This took a LOT longer than I had expected, but once you've committed, you'd just got to plough on through. It got a little out of hand.
The film? Fearless. A biography-picture-slash-wuxia movie about the life of a chap called Huo Yuanjia.
So, let us begin....
Our story begins in an arena in Shanghai
Huo Yuanjia will fight four opponents, one after the other. If he loses any of these fights, he has lost the match! His opponents will be three different types of facial hair, and a narcoleptic!
Hi, I'm the protagonist!
The three facial hair champions of the west, brave souls, all!
This bastard had better be awake for the fight.
First up : Irish O'Sideburnigans!
Jesus christ begorrah! Shoes!
My defeat was entirely unforseeable!
Next up, Sergeant Finelycurled VonPointychin!
You cannot possibly defeat my great long freudian spear, with it's smooth yet hard shaft!
Have at you, blaggard!
Sergeant Finelycurled : A completely surprising reversal has occurred!
Protagonist : It's not the size, it's how you use it.
Fear not! My humungous mutton chops and homoerotic smile shall win the day!
... well, fuck.
And, I'll tell you something, Jerry, they were this big. Literally this big. I do hope I can see her again... What's that you say about a fight?
The final challenger, the narcoleptic!
Dramatic closeup time!
Ow.
Our story begins with Yuanjia as a young boy, rubbing himself up against a door, as young boys of that age are wont to do.
His father is the master of a wushu school full of promising students, and Ted (third from left), who is a little slow.
Protagonist : I want to train!
Father : You have athsma and will die! GTFO!
This is Protagonist's nerdy friend, Nong Jinsun, who shall be reffered to as Nerdfriend. He does Protagonist's homework as well as his own. All he asks in return, is a little nascent homoeroticism.
He gets all he desires.
An arena in the town. Protagonist's father is to fight another master.
Our dads are rivals. We should be rivals too. Meanwhile, the man in the background is peeing on the leftmost child. His relief is evident.
Opponent studies the crypic message written on Protagonist's father's hand.
The message is not well received.
Bugger!
Protagonist : My father lost and now I'm sad.
Nerdfriend : A strange man took me off, did things to me, and bought me these new clothes. Aren't they just wonderful?
Rival : Haha, your dad lost, and now you're sad. Me and my posse are here to remind you of that. Try not to point out Jimmy's crooked neck.
Rival : Fight me if you dare!
Protagonist : Let's do it!
Nerdfriend : I'm.. I'm having a stroke.. you guys... pfnyaaaah...
TO BATTLE!
OH SHI-
Rival : Victory is mine! Bahahaha.
Being beaten sucks, I'mma stop doing it.
Our story begins in the house of Protagonist, now he's a young adult.
Hi mum! I got over my athsma, became a wushu master, married, had a daughter, lost my wife to tragedy, and did I mention that the last time I got defeated was by my rival when I was a small boy?
I wuv you so much that my face spasms.
A CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED
He's down at the old '100-foot-drop arena'.
Every wushu master gets his own pet hobo.
CAN THIS BE? The challenger is Mr Rival, who is also now a young adult wushu master who is undefeated!
Surely it would have been easier to build some stairs, than more than a hundred perfectly straight upright beams?
Rival : Watch out for that hundred-foot-drop!
Protagonist : What hundred foot dr- OH SHI! WHAT THE HELL?
Bravely our hero makes it to the top - But what lies in store for him atop this structure?
It doesn't really seem worth the climb.
The boot is in the other head now!
That actually looks kind of dangerous, guys. Can anyone tell me why we hold these supposedly friendly matches 100 feet off the ground?
Wait! There's something I remembered, I just have to show you!
It's not unusual to be loved by anyone...
That's possibly the best Tom Jones tribute I've ever seen.
Protagonist : I MUST HAVE YOU!
Rival : This worked out surprisingly well.
Crowd : What the hell is going on up there?
Protagonist : This plan didn't really work out. I just weakened my punch and hit myself in the head with a plank.
..actually, maybe....
...it did work out...
... damn. I'm sure he'll be fine.
Sweet. I wonder if anyone can beat me now?
CHALLENGERS HAVE APPEARED
Nope.
Protagonist : So, sweetcheeks, how about you and I go back to my place? I'll teach you some woo-shu? Oh yeah,
Victim : Uh... no?
Protagonist : It wasn't a question!
Victim : Help! Help!
Nerdfriend : Aren't you bored of hitting people yet?
Protagonist : Nope.
Nerdfriend : While you've been hitting people, I've started a restaurant.
Protagonist : Can I still pay you in homoerotic glances?
We want to join your Wushu school so you don't maim us!
Stranger : You have still not beaten my father, master Chin.
Pupil : Master Chin beat me up!
Protagonist : You're in a whole heap of trouble, Mr Chin. We must kungfufight!
Nerdfriend : You're a dick.
Protagonist : We could sit down here. There's loads of tables. Like this one here.
Chin : We dine on top floor! I like it up there!
Chin : I appear to be in a whole heap of trouble.
Master Chin has left the game
Protagonist : Who killed my daughter? (and mother)
Chin's son : I killed your daughter! (and mother)
Master Chin's son has left the game
A wushu master's hobo also serves to point out the futility of one's dreams once achieved, and the hollowness of victory that has cost you everything.
I'm going for a walk, I may be some time.
Protagonist : I have been taken in by friendly villagers.
Protagonist : I am learning a valuable lesson about respecting others as well as nature.
Protagonist : I am at peace, and am now enjoying passing wind, just like the other villagers.
Protagonist : I'm back. Help me, Nerdfriend, I need some money so I can go hit some people.
Hobo : While you were gone, I bought a hat! Now you are the hobo!
Sorry I killed you, man.
Bananaman has challenged any and all Chinese fighters!
RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE.
Holy crap, why can't you guys build safe arenas?!
Protagonist : I was messing with you earlier. I now only hit people in the national interest.
Nerdfriend : Hooray!
Both : Now we run a wushu school!
Figures of Western power : A chinese bloke is hitting all of our champion people-hitters. Let's stage a clearly unfair fight. When he loses a fight so obviously and heavily stacked against him, we will be shown to be clearly superior, when ganging up on chinese people 4-to-1! It's foolproof!
Narcoleptic : Tea helps keep me awake.
Protagonist : I also like tea.
Both : I respect you.
Our story begins in an arena in Shanghai at the beginning of round 4 of a rigged contest.
I respectfully fight you with respectful respect.
OH NOES!
We are respectful equals! Respect!
Mmm, poison flavour.
We fight unarmed!
I may be ill.
Nerdfriend : Go to a hospital!
Protagonist : No.
Narcoleptic : Go to a friggin' hospital!
Protagonist : No!
Tag, you're it.
Blerk.
He's dead, Jim.
And there we are. That's fearless, summed up in a whole heap of screencaps. I hope I did it justice! :D
This entire post took forever. Next time, I'll just stick with the theme!
So here's a bunch of my favourite films; The Lord of the Rings triology, the Pirates of the Carribean trilogy, the Underworld trilogy, The Matrix, Blackhawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Enemy at the Gates, Hero, How to Tame Your Dragon, Flushed Away, Evil Dead 2 (still haven't seen #3), Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Starship Troopers, Aliens... and there's probably more....
Now. That's not a very interesting blogpost. So I thought I'd take one of the films I like rather a lot, and take you all on a very special journey through the film, with me capturing important moments, and adding a running commentary, in the style of THE GODDAMN BUGS WHACKED US JOHNNY. This took a LOT longer than I had expected, but once you've committed, you'd just got to plough on through. It got a little out of hand.
The film? Fearless. A biography-picture-slash-wuxia movie about the life of a chap called Huo Yuanjia.
So, let us begin....
Our story begins in an arena in Shanghai
Huo Yuanjia will fight four opponents, one after the other. If he loses any of these fights, he has lost the match! His opponents will be three different types of facial hair, and a narcoleptic!
Hi, I'm the protagonist!
The three facial hair champions of the west, brave souls, all!
This bastard had better be awake for the fight.
First up : Irish O'Sideburnigans!
Jesus christ begorrah! Shoes!
My defeat was entirely unforseeable!
Next up, Sergeant Finelycurled VonPointychin!
You cannot possibly defeat my great long freudian spear, with it's smooth yet hard shaft!
Have at you, blaggard!
Sergeant Finelycurled : A completely surprising reversal has occurred!
Protagonist : It's not the size, it's how you use it.
Fear not! My humungous mutton chops and homoerotic smile shall win the day!
... well, fuck.
And, I'll tell you something, Jerry, they were this big. Literally this big. I do hope I can see her again... What's that you say about a fight?
The final challenger, the narcoleptic!
Dramatic closeup time!
Ow.
Our story begins with Yuanjia as a young boy, rubbing himself up against a door, as young boys of that age are wont to do.
His father is the master of a wushu school full of promising students, and Ted (third from left), who is a little slow.
Protagonist : I want to train!
Father : You have athsma and will die! GTFO!
This is Protagonist's nerdy friend, Nong Jinsun, who shall be reffered to as Nerdfriend. He does Protagonist's homework as well as his own. All he asks in return, is a little nascent homoeroticism.
He gets all he desires.
An arena in the town. Protagonist's father is to fight another master.
Our dads are rivals. We should be rivals too. Meanwhile, the man in the background is peeing on the leftmost child. His relief is evident.
Opponent studies the crypic message written on Protagonist's father's hand.
The message is not well received.
Bugger!
Protagonist : My father lost and now I'm sad.
Nerdfriend : A strange man took me off, did things to me, and bought me these new clothes. Aren't they just wonderful?
Rival : Haha, your dad lost, and now you're sad. Me and my posse are here to remind you of that. Try not to point out Jimmy's crooked neck.
Rival : Fight me if you dare!
Protagonist : Let's do it!
Nerdfriend : I'm.. I'm having a stroke.. you guys... pfnyaaaah...
TO BATTLE!
OH SHI-
Rival : Victory is mine! Bahahaha.
Being beaten sucks, I'mma stop doing it.
Our story begins in the house of Protagonist, now he's a young adult.
Hi mum! I got over my athsma, became a wushu master, married, had a daughter, lost my wife to tragedy, and did I mention that the last time I got defeated was by my rival when I was a small boy?
I wuv you so much that my face spasms.
A CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED
He's down at the old '100-foot-drop arena'.
Every wushu master gets his own pet hobo.
CAN THIS BE? The challenger is Mr Rival, who is also now a young adult wushu master who is undefeated!
Surely it would have been easier to build some stairs, than more than a hundred perfectly straight upright beams?
Rival : Watch out for that hundred-foot-drop!
Protagonist : What hundred foot dr- OH SHI! WHAT THE HELL?
Bravely our hero makes it to the top - But what lies in store for him atop this structure?
It doesn't really seem worth the climb.
The boot is in the other head now!
That actually looks kind of dangerous, guys. Can anyone tell me why we hold these supposedly friendly matches 100 feet off the ground?
Wait! There's something I remembered, I just have to show you!
It's not unusual to be loved by anyone...
That's possibly the best Tom Jones tribute I've ever seen.
Protagonist : I MUST HAVE YOU!
Rival : This worked out surprisingly well.
Crowd : What the hell is going on up there?
Protagonist : This plan didn't really work out. I just weakened my punch and hit myself in the head with a plank.
..actually, maybe....
...it did work out...
... damn. I'm sure he'll be fine.
Sweet. I wonder if anyone can beat me now?
CHALLENGERS HAVE APPEARED
Nope.
Protagonist : So, sweetcheeks, how about you and I go back to my place? I'll teach you some woo-shu? Oh yeah,
Victim : Uh... no?
Protagonist : It wasn't a question!
Victim : Help! Help!
Nerdfriend : Aren't you bored of hitting people yet?
Protagonist : Nope.
Nerdfriend : While you've been hitting people, I've started a restaurant.
Protagonist : Can I still pay you in homoerotic glances?
We want to join your Wushu school so you don't maim us!
Stranger : You have still not beaten my father, master Chin.
Pupil : Master Chin beat me up!
Protagonist : You're in a whole heap of trouble, Mr Chin. We must kungfufight!
Nerdfriend : You're a dick.
Protagonist : We could sit down here. There's loads of tables. Like this one here.
Chin : We dine on top floor! I like it up there!
Chin : I appear to be in a whole heap of trouble.
Master Chin has left the game
Protagonist : Who killed my daughter? (and mother)
Chin's son : I killed your daughter! (and mother)
Master Chin's son has left the game
A wushu master's hobo also serves to point out the futility of one's dreams once achieved, and the hollowness of victory that has cost you everything.
I'm going for a walk, I may be some time.
Protagonist : I have been taken in by friendly villagers.
Protagonist : I am learning a valuable lesson about respecting others as well as nature.
Protagonist : I am at peace, and am now enjoying passing wind, just like the other villagers.
Protagonist : I'm back. Help me, Nerdfriend, I need some money so I can go hit some people.
Hobo : While you were gone, I bought a hat! Now you are the hobo!
Sorry I killed you, man.
Bananaman has challenged any and all Chinese fighters!
RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE. RAPE.
Holy crap, why can't you guys build safe arenas?!
Protagonist : I was messing with you earlier. I now only hit people in the national interest.
Nerdfriend : Hooray!
Both : Now we run a wushu school!
Figures of Western power : A chinese bloke is hitting all of our champion people-hitters. Let's stage a clearly unfair fight. When he loses a fight so obviously and heavily stacked against him, we will be shown to be clearly superior, when ganging up on chinese people 4-to-1! It's foolproof!
Narcoleptic : Tea helps keep me awake.
Protagonist : I also like tea.
Both : I respect you.
Our story begins in an arena in Shanghai at the beginning of round 4 of a rigged contest.
I respectfully fight you with respectful respect.
OH NOES!
We are respectful equals! Respect!
Mmm, poison flavour.
We fight unarmed!
I may be ill.
Nerdfriend : Go to a hospital!
Protagonist : No.
Narcoleptic : Go to a friggin' hospital!
Protagonist : No!
Tag, you're it.
Blerk.
He's dead, Jim.
And there we are. That's fearless, summed up in a whole heap of screencaps. I hope I did it justice! :D
This entire post took forever. Next time, I'll just stick with the theme!
3 comments:
That was absolutely hilarious.
No actual viewing of that movie could beat your filmstrip version.
I'm also terribly relieved that you didn't include the word "trilogy" after "The Matrix."
Brilliance. I approve muchly!
I have learned much from this.
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